Being A Man

Being A Man (for my father)

Being a man
is something I've been working on
for years.
It's hard, this
being a man.

Being a man
isn't about
being
able to dive for golf balls
in a freezing reservoir
or
being
able to cart sacks of silt
over the bar of a rusty bicycle.
Being a man
isn't about
being
able to plane a piece of wood straight and true.

It took me a while to realise;
I can't define
being a man
in terms of what it's not.
I can only define
being a man
in terms of what it is,
now,
when it's too late.

Being a man
you see
is about
being
able to take the weight
of your seventy six years
and feeling each knot of pleated cord
slip through my fingers.
Being a man
is about
being
able to feel
when your journey is done -
you are weightless.
Being a man
is about
being able to let go:
the tail of the cord drops
and splays on the wood.

I feel suddenly alone.

I can only define
being a man
in terms of loss.

There is nothing more to be said about
being a man.
Now it is time to go back to
being a son.

Being a boy.