The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 23

I used to get a shave and a haircut every month from an old man called Tassos. I watched his skin turn slowly yellow. When I could talk a little, he showed me a business card. It was dog-eared. 1967. President Lyndon B Johnson. He had cut the President's hair. That was the highlight of his life. Tassos died in April, 1993. His shop closed down, then reopened a few weeks later, selling ballet shoes.

The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 22

Michael was Irish. He turned up out of nowhere, but everyone soon knew him. He was married. His wife had an abortion. 'She fucking killed my kid,' he used to say, every night, after a few beers.

He didn't last long, Michael.

The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 21

It's Danny's driving test. His instructor tells him, 'Remember - you don't speak Greek.' He nods, and gets into the car. 'Start machine!' smiles the examiner. Danny does it perfectly. 'Park car here!' the examiner says after thirty seconds. Danny does it perfectly. 'You pass!' says the examiner. Danny gets out and shakes hands with his instructor, who gives him a wink. As a rule, Danny does not agree with wads of cash in brown envelopes, but the one he handed over at the end of the last lesson certainly turned out to be value for money.

The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 20

'Right,' says Ray. 'Tonight's the night.' It's Ray's 21st. He wants to pop his cherry. Hugh reckons he knows the score. We fall into a taxi. The place is down the fish market. We climb the stairs. There's music behind the door. Mozart. I'm shitting myself, even though it's not my party. Hugh pushes the wood and we fall inside like the three stooges. A fat, naked old woman is sitting in a wicker chair, red under the light. She shakes her head. I don't know how Hugh feels, but I'm relieved. Ray stomps down the stairs. Still a virgin.

The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 19

Danny works at the British Council. He's laughing. 'Get this,' he says. 'The Director reckons there's too much drinking going on. He put a note on the fridge in the staffroom. 'No more beer in here!'.' Fair enough, I think. Teachers. Alcoholics all. The Director's a bit of a dick, though; he reckons he can play the cello. 'Did it work?' I ask. 'Oh, yes,' Danny smiles. 'When I opened it this morning it was full of wine.'

The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 18

Saturday afternoon, and the sun is beating down. We're at a table on the pavement. The phone goes. It's Danny's wife. 'Yeah, it'll be a while yet,' he tells her. 'We're still on the first one.' He sits down. 'Must be a bummer when you have to lie to her like that,' I say, as Danny prises the top off another bottle. 'Not at all,' he says, and counts the empties at his feet. 'It's still the first crate, int it?'

The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 17

Danny's the man. He reminds me of my dad, which is strange, because Danny plays the guitar and looks like David Bowie. 'I've actually met him,' he tells me. 'When I was at Uni. He wasn't very famous then. I had to ask him how to pronounce his name. 'Bowie', as in 'Bowie knife'.' I'm impressed. 'That's nothing, though,' he smiles through his big squint teeth. 'You should hear Bowie's story about meeting me.'

The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 16

It's late. The place is heaving. The barman has a pony tail growing out the front of his head. We're with a Canadian tourist. 'So what do you like about Greece?' he says. 'Easy,' says Mark. 'I can walk into any bar in this town and I know I won't get hassle.' I go to the jacks. When I come back, the barman is standing on the counter, pummelling some unfortunate punter with a length of wood. When he's done, he props the wood in the corner and slicks back his pony tail. Mark gets another round in. The Canadian can't take his eyes off the body twitching on the floor.

The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 15

'Before we go in,' I say. 'They might ask you to get your tackle out.' Gordon turns white. I smile inwardly; Gordon is a bit of a prick. There are two doctors. Both of them are smoking. I give them the SP - I'm just here to translate. They find Gordon's skinhead hilarious. 'Ask him if he's a Communist,' one of them says. I translate. Gordon is shitting himself - he's wondering what they'll do to a Communist with his prick in his hand. I close the door quietly behind me.

Author's note - perhaps there is one prick too many in this story.

The Weird and Wonderful World of TEFL # 14

Hassle at the kiosk. It's surrounded by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Ten. Without the funny costumes. 'I am an American sailor!' the leader barks at the old woman inside. He has to stoop. She doesn't understand what he is, she just wants paid for the phone call. The police arrive. I step in. 'You're fucked, mate,' I tell the leader. 'AT&T cards don't work in Greece.' He takes a swig of Johnny Black. 'I am an American sailor!' he screams. The kiosk is about to get trashed. The police leave. I'm right behind them.